If the title Submissive Confessions wasn’t enough to pique your interests what I am about to share may have you falling off your chair or spitting out your water.
The topic of submission and how it fits into my life is what was uncovered next on my path to self-discovery. A cursory glance at Google says the word submissive means ‘ready to conform to the authority or will of others; meekly obedient or passive.’ That definition doesn’t sound like me at all so let’s dig into why this newly exposed part of my personality is important. Before any close friends or family members start googling the term submissive and come find me to discuss my “extracurricular” activities please allow me the opportunity to clarify why I use this word so freely. I realize that this word may not sit well with some of you for reasons that include feminism, independence, or some of you may equate it to its inclusion within the BDSM community. I would like to take this opportunity to point out that the term ‘submissive’ is used several times in the Bible, but we will get to that shortly. I hope that I can illustrate how a person can be submissive through love and still participate in life fully and to whatever extent desired. This is what I mean by submissive confessions.
I read a very interesting book during December by author Michael Makai, Warrior Princess Submissive. This was not the first book I read on the topic of being submissive and I guarantee it won’t be the last. In this book, Makai mentions that identifying as a submissive means that ‘submission is how you express love to or for another’; a definition I like far better than Webster’s version. This type of reading was the result of me trying to find a balance between being a submissive spouse from a biblical perspective and still maintaining my self-proclaimed independent woman persona. There have been numerous discussions in therapy, with my spouse, friends, and family about this aspect of my being. I was told by more than one person that I was simply too bossy to truly be submissive. Technically that is not true if we go by Makai’s definition of the word. While I didn’t appreciate the negativity, I do realize everyone is entitled to their own opinion. “When did this all start” and “Uh-huh” were two common responses to this admission. I think most folks decided not to ask too many questions out of fear on how I might respond. I had some good zingers planned to cause shock and awe, but never got that far into it with most folks.
The more I read the more I felt like I had identified this part of me incorrectly. I am headstrong in some ways. I like to be gainfully employed, think for myself, make decisions that pertain to my life and feel respected. On the other hand, I do like to be submissive in things that involve my intimate relationships, finances, some aspects of home life and vacations. What can I say, I am a complicated woman! It is worth mentioning that just because I identify as submissive doesn’t mean I am a doormat, that I cannot think for myself and it certainly doesn’t mean I only engage in typically domestic activities. The type of submission I am discussing is a far cry from Kelly LeBrock’s description in Weird Science; “…..chips, dips, chains, whips, your basic high school soiree ….” I don’t cook in dresses and aprons like Donna Reid and I certainly do NOT know how to fold a fitted sheet like Martha Stewart. I react just like everyone else when those things come out of the dryer and say inappropriate words under my breath eventually shoving them onto the shelf in a little ball.
By this point in my research, all the definitions and discussions had me confused more than ever; what’s new. No one point of view seemed to make sense, then I found Warrior Princess Submissive. I had downloaded the book to my kindle app one day in December before heading out to my hair appointment. As I began reading it was if his words jumped off the page and touched my heart. I can only imagine what others around me must have thought as I sat there crying in front of God and everyone. Try to visualize a young woman, no makeup, a salon cape, head full of foils and a tear-stained face. I am certain I was an interesting sight to behold.
Makai uses numerous quotes from Xena: Warrior Princess throughout the book. For those of you who don’t know, Xena was a television series filmed in New Zeland and aired from 1995 – 2001. The series follows Xena, played by Lucy Lawless, an infamous warrior on a quest to seek redemption for her past sins against the innocent by using her formidable fighting skills to now help those who are unable to defend themselves. (Description is taken from Wikipedia; Wikipedia Xena: Warrior Princess ). She reminded me of a sassy, scantily clothed version of Robin Hood with quite a bit more humor thrown into the mix. I can’t quite remember why she was referred to as a princess but could have been due to the fact everyone seemed to bow down to her awesomeness.
Makai goes on to explain that the type of submissive he has always been attracted to isn’t a meek, mild, sit in the corner kind of gal, but one who is driven by inner strength and compassion. A woman he states who will only be submissive to someone she sees as a warrior, a white knight, that respects her completely and allows her room to fight her own battles. Now we are talking my language! “She doesn’t just believe in something, she believes in it with a passion unlike anything you’ve ever seen before, and she does it so fervently that you will often find yourself cheering her on, even when you don’t agree with her. She exudes a marvelous aura of empathy and virtue,” according to Makai. I metaphorically brushed my shoulders off while reading this description and my heart began to swell with joy. Someone else on the planet got it and reassured me that just because I was determined didn’t mean I wasn’t submissive.
Hopefully, those close to me can see why I relate to the warrior and the submissive part. I can almost guarantee that some call me a princess just not to my face. Folks, the jig is up, so feel free to say whatever you deem pertinent in the future. I have on my Xena princess armor and can take what is dished out.
Two Worlds Collide
Even though I had a new understanding of the topic of submission I realized the discussion was going to be drastically different depending on who was part of the conversation. Did I intend to take my bestselling secular book into the counselor’s office at the church? Maybe I could have stealthily taken it in hiding underneath my bible, but I decided against it on the off chance I couldn’t explain myself fully. The question I kept asking myself was, “How could what I learned from members who identify as part of a submissive subculture and what I believed in my heart the Bible stated about marriage be rolled into one person?” I did not end up broaching this subject with the counselor at church, however, there were some lively discussions with my regular therapist. I am remiss that I brought it up for the first time via phone with her. I am sure she would have kept it together but seeing her facial expression or body language change when I mentioned that I think I am a submissive would have been timeless.
After soul searching, prayer and more introspection I came to the following conclusion: A person can love, honor, respect, and submit to their spouse or significant other without having their identity taken away. A very straightforward decision with no idea how to put it into action. As with most decisions over the last year, I decided to pray first, discuss things openly regardless of how uncomfortable they might be, communicate about the parts that appeal to my submissive ways and the parts which did not. After all this submissive self-realization the truth I discovered is that I just need to ask myself the following question: “Have I expressed my healthy boundaries and is my spouse, significant other, or life partner respecting them and taking my feelings into consideration”? It’s much easier to be submissive when you fully trust and that’s a huge part of Christian marriage. Coincidently that’s a huge part of submission in more secular submissive and D/s type arrangements as well. If you feel like engaging in a lively chat you should reach out to me for further discussions possibly over a margarita.
I know that everything I have been through, regardless of how painful, has helped shaped who I am today. I hope that learning to feel safe through established boundaries, being honest with others when I disagree, and that submission is just an expression of my love have all made me a better person. This journey for me has been eye-opening to say the very least. The next post, also the last super personal post will by far be the most difficult to put into words.
Mrs. B, Princess Submissive